Happy Tuesday, everybody. I hope you missed me because I missed you. That was a long four-day weekend and I mean long. Anyway. So if there's anybody who knows anything about raising children, well, you know, it's Joe Biden.
PICTURE OF HUNTER BIDEN
Look at that. Now there's someone who needs a puberty blocker – in his fifties. Now, what you're about to see is the president talking about kids on a program called the Daily Show. Not sure if you heard of it. It's kind of a lot like this show, which we also do every day, except the difference is we have viewers. The topic? Oh, you're going to love it. Transgender kids.
VIDEO OF BIDEN ON THE DAILY SHOW: Now, transgender kids is a really harder thing. What's going on in Florida is, as my mother would say, close to sinful. I mean, it's just terrible what they're doing. What, what are they thinking about here? They're human beings. They love. They have feelings. They have inclinations that are...I mean, it just to me is... I don't know… it's cruel.
Why does he always sound like he's mixing Nyquil with Xanax? Not that I would know. Either that or you rolled off a bassinet as a child. But anyway, if there's any president in history that belongs on the comedy channel, it's this one. Talk about a transition. He went from English to gibberish in mere seconds the moment after he was elected. Biden is referring, of course, to Florida's new bill that would block gender-affirming care for transgender minors. That means no puberty blockers, cross-sex hormones or surgical procedures for anyone under 18. Yeah, that's terrible, right? So it's close to sinful what's happening in Florida because in the dim recesses of Biden's mind, it's sinful to not irreversibly mutilate a confused child. Well, unless they're in the womb, of course. He actually wants to make it illegal to stand in the way of a surgeon castrating a little boy because he's been convinced he's actually a little girl by green-haired teachers with more piercings than a bait and tackle shop. But if a guy in an old van went around your neighborhood chopping up little kids, you'd want him thrown in jail. But now Biden appears to want to throw them a parade. In Joe's mind, kids who are too young to cross the road alone can somehow consent to surgery. But I guess for Joe, it's more girls' hair to sniff.
He's right about one thing, though. Those children are human beings, and that's why so many Americans are so horrified about what's being done to them. How is this a winning message for the Democrats in 2024? It's not even a winning message for the Vikings in 700 A.D. It's primitive and delusional. Like when a monkey tries accounting. And Biden, Biden is not done. Even if we let them turn Billy into Millie, the poor kid is still doomed. After all, Mother Nature let her wrath be seen over the last two years.
VIDEO OF JOE BIDEN: Mother Nature let her wrath be seen over the last two years. Floods, droughts all the things. And so people can't deny it anymore. If we don't keep the temperature from going above 1.5 degrees Celsius, raised, then we're in real trouble. That whole generation is damned. I mean, that's not hyperbole.
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Not hyperbole. The whole generation is damned. That's exactly the definition of hyperbole you old coot. So adorable. When he's not in power, he's adorable. When he's in power, scary as hell. And what a message of hope, right? I haven't seen an old man this pissed about temperature since Bernie Sanders got the heating bill for his second and third homes. Fortunately, Biden has a solution to our energy needs. I bet he was up in Massachusetts.
VIDEO OF JOE BIDEN: For example, I was up in Massachusetts on the largest coal-producing electric facilities in the nation. Well, guess what? We hooked it up to wind technology.
Yeah. Windmills. Nobody knows more about producing wind than Joe. Just ask his day nurse. Yeah. Let's just roll Biden's wheelchair in front of some windmills, then drop a pound of lentils in a smoothie and let him rip. Now, you might be wondering how Biden keeps his mind so razor-sharp when there's so little of it left. I bet his focus is just stay focused.
VIDEO OF JOE BIDEN: My focus is just stay focused.
That came from the federal department of redundancy department, otherwise known as Kamala. But he needs that key mental focus because, look, in this period he inherited, I think it's fair to say, a gigantic mess economically and politically.
VIDEO OF JOE BIDEN: In this period, I inherited, I think it's fair to say, a gigantic mess economically and politically.
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I don't know what he said there. That's not counting the one he made on the rug this morning. Yeah, he inherited these problems just like he inherited that hairline, too. He also repeated his huge lie about creating 12 million jobs when really he created just two to guard Hunter's international book of whores who like crack. Should I have said hookers? Yeah. You would been OK with hookers. Then there's this lie on gay marriage. I bet he can remember exactly where his epiphany was.
VIDEO OF JOE BIDEN: I can remember exactly where my epiphany was. I was a senior in high school and my dad was dropping me off. I remember [I was] about to get out of the car and I looked to my right and two well-dressed men in suits kissed each other. And I never forget, I turned to look at my dad. He said, 'Joey, it's simple. They love each other.'
And those two men were corn pop and Babe Ruth, two men in well-dressed suits. This never happened. We can safely say that never happened. That was like he saw them in a commercial last week for a bank. Of course, he left out the part where he opposed gay marriage for 50 years of his career. A decade after that epiphany, he said gays in the military and government posed security risks to the country. And in the 90s, he voted for the Defense of Marriage Act. I guess maybe he was just anti-gay for pay. Of course, somebody got that. These well-dressed men over here. Of course, The Daily Show was able to score this fascinating interview because Kal Penn worked in the Obama administration as, and I need to take a deep breath here, the associate director of the White House Office of Public Engagement and Intergovernmental Affairs, which is a fancy way of saying, who the hell is this again? Kudos to Comedy Central for finding a host with less charisma than Chelsea Handler. I guess Al Gore was unavailable, but it makes sense Biden was on the Daily Show, a doddering old fool who can't get the job done on a show that no one watches. Anything to add, Joe?
SKIT VIDEO OF JOE BIDEN: Nah, Nah, Nah look. Come on. I said it before, I'll say it again, but this stuff never changes. All right. What's in the good book? What's the first words of the Bible? In the bediginy. In the badingding. The dabingbing. In the beningning. Ah, to hell with it.
